Discouraging Statistics from Stuff That Works

Stuff That Works is a website that covers just about every topic of wellness under the sun and asks for the community to add input, perspective, and treatments they have tried. It is mostly subjective, but there is an expert attached to each subject. If you sign up for notifications, you will see when people post research-based questions, comments and polls and can participate as you choose.

Today is a very sad day for a coach with my niche. There was a poll that asked where people were at in their healing after narcissistic abuse. 69% of people said that HAVEN’T healed. Only 18% admitted to it taking longer than two years.

Almost 70% of people who have endured this haven’t healed?

Why? Because it is so recent? Because they don’t “feel” resilient? Because they are afraid or ashamed to reach out for help? Because they are tempted to go back to hell? Because they see no hope for the future? Because they are so alone? Because they don’t know where to start? Because they think they don’t have the money?

I do believe it is between 15-20% of people that get to where I have reached. Healing is a difficult road, it is hard to leave and change and grow and there are a LOT of suffering people out there.

This is so painful to me because I remember being so fucking stuck! Feeling so worthless. Feeling like no one cared whether I lived or died. Felt like I wouldn’t be missed, that I had overburdened everyone and had no room to ask for anything more. I remember wondering why I should take another breath, what my purpose was, what the point of existing was.

Nevermind that I knew part of my destiny was to be a mama. But, he’s grown. So, there is no room or need for me. What a lie. Nevermind that I have musical talent and use that in the community and as a private teacher. That what I have to give means nothing- another lie. Nevermind that I bring a creative and honest perspective in a compassionate and warm way to most of my interactions. Nobody really needs that- even though that is what I felt like I was dying for. Again, a huge lie. But, these are the places our minds go when they are experiencing C-PTSD, when we are in a cycle of abuse or an abuse mindset even if we have removed ourselves from active, ongoing abuse.

Our minds don’t just spring back to health.

We have created neural pathways that keep us going the same route, encourage the ruminating, make habit easy to stay entrenched in darkness.

It is a very delicate spot to see someone going through so much mistreatment and pain and not reaching for help. I was that person for three years and it didn’t matter what sense or non-sense was thrown at me about why I should leave. I did not see a way out. And then…I just got to the point that I couldn’t live like that anymore, that I was fearful enough I might die, that I deserved more, there had to be more to life, that he couldn’t win my soul, and that I was willing to make changes. Such dark nights before the light. It saddens me to look back at how low I did get and am amazed that I am still here to tell the story.

That is why I can only work with clients who want to heal, who have left the abuser and know it is finished. They may grieve that they have to let go of what they wanted, but they never had “it” to begin with. So, it is two layers of grief. Most people do not understand how long that ruminating can go on and why. If there is nothing in its place (new habits and tasks and people), it lasts much longer. If there is no coach or therapist there to help direct someone to the light, they may not get there. This type of healing is so engrossing and overwhelming, something most people cannot do alone. It is hard to imagine that you can struggle with deep pain and experience moments of joy, clarity and peace in the midst of it. Of all the thriving people I know who have healed after abuse, they did not do it in a vacuum, alone, isolated, or without healthy support.

That step is hard, but really, it is much further than the first step. If you have done this, give yourself a LOT of credit. If you have already left, you have made your choice.

Seriously, pause and say that to yourself. “I have bravely taken a huge step. I am not at step one at all!”

You are willing to drift and flounder for a bit till you get better footing because it is a massive improvement to the assault of your whole being. One of the dearest people I know, who was a therapist, pointed this phase out as “intentional drift.” It is so fitting. I knew I wanted to go anywhere but back to where I’d been. So, as long as I wasn’t repeating the past, I was floating without exact coordinates. I stayed in the drift for much longer than I thought I would. I do think there is some of this flexibility in any healing journey.

Nothing about healing is linear, it is all over the place.

This same person loved me back to life. She wasn’t my sole source and I did not allow myself to be dependent on her. But, she restored my faith in kindness, she never judged me, she was gentle, she listened, she was honest, she tried to reach me in ways that were meaningful to me. I actually played in a tabletop sandbox during a session once and she read me a children’s book. Not to tap into my childhood but because the book was written for all ages about walls we tend to build up and what that looks like to separate us from one another. She helped me reconnect to others and myself. She saw and reflected my worth. Remembering her still makes me emotional because she impacted me that much.

It is ok not to know what you are doing even if you left by accident or your abuser left you. See that for the miraculous blessing that it is and never look back.

If they have discarded you, it is one less snare you have to try to protect yourself from.

If children are involved, get legal support as soon as you can. If there are not children involved, please consider going no contact and remain that way. While some days can be hard, you will get used to the quiet, the stillness, the lack of chaos. Sleep, start thinking about how to nurture yourself and do those things till your right new path presents itself. And do not face this battle, these enduring war for your well-being on your own.

Life coaching is a lot like abuse recovery. A lot of people put in effort up front. But, in the long run they don’t get where they thought they wanted to go. There are a lot of unexpected twists and turns in both sojourns. That in itself is a lesson to be in the moment, to not be tied to the outcome, to allow life to inform you what it wants from you, to learn with each step how to embrace who you are meant to be.

Please, please do not remain one of the 69%. Whether you have recently left or it has been years. Please listen MORE to the voice in your head that says “Get out there and live!” than to the part that is saying “You don’t deserve better.” Because YOU DO DESERVE THE BEST LIFE YOU CAN CREATE!!!!