External Invalidation & Internal Boundaries

A long time ago my mother gave me a book called Nasty People by Jay Carter. It was written in 1979.

I want to focus on one particular area, “The Cycle of Invalidation.” The cycle in the book refers more to how an invalidator rationalizes their behavior to themselves. But, we know that there is a definite cycle of abuse and this is just another way to frame it. Today we would call the invalidator an abuser or narcissist.

This post is not meant to be exhaustive on the topic. But there is much interplay between external invalidation coming from an abuser and internal boundaries of the target. It is interesting that there were explicit labels for these behaviors over 40 years ago!

It is vital for self-protection to educate yourself so you can avoid entanglements, situationships and downright bad behavior from people. I used to think having boundaries was like possessing a magic cape or elixir. If I have boundaries, I am safe. But, there is one step left. The most important step of all- practicing the belief. Putting the boundary into action. Saying you have boundaries gives you a false sense of security. You do have to put yourself out there so you can recognize attitudes, actions, words, tone, body language that may indicate someone is not safe and you need to gear up, to respond in proportion to what has been put on the proverbial table. Not all responses need to be visible to anyone else. Let me repeat that:

You can respond appropriately within your own skin without anyone noticing. That may generally look like EXITING.

Let’s say I have a boundary for myself that I don’t drink on a first date. We meet, there is an attraction, he asks if I am drinking anything and orders himself a beer. I order a diet soda. As dinner arrives and conversation is flowing, we seem to be vibing; he asks for another beer and makes the gesture to see if I want a drink. THIS is the moment of choice. This is where I either stick with my boundary or start doing mental gymnastics about how one drink is fine, I want to make a good impression, I won’t have another. Am I building a false sense of trust in him? Why does it seem easier to just go along with the moment? Because I have invested myself in the situation. And then boundaries get lowered or disappear. Does it make me weak? Does it mean I have no will power? Am I still such a people-pleaser?

OR, I thank my date for the offer and decline. My integrity remains intact internally and I do not have a drink in my hand. Who cares what the man across the table thinks?

You know what is really missing from this equation? Some good old-fashioned critical thinking, which is best done before you are in a tricky situation. If I have a habit of going out to dinner, having drinks and letting things progress too quickly, then I need to change things up. What if….WHAT IF…we have a different first date? Coffee shop. Hike in a public area. Something that gets me out of a pattern of behavior where I struggle. Mentally, if it serves me, I can go back later and examine my status as a people-pleaser, etc.

There is something insidious going on. Social pressure. Personal expectations. History of people-pleasing which includes weak boundaries. Then enters another person into this messy landscape. If you think people who prey on others cannot detect internal wars or malleable boundaries, you have a serious and dangerous case of denial.

While this is not a research-based post, I am drawing the conclusion that people who struggle with boundaries are going to more frequently run into these invalidators. They sound familiarly like the negative voice we allow in our own head.

“The invalidator is underhanded. Their prey is often unsuspecting (read: naïve, not self-protective, too open) and only realizes something has gone wrong when they feel bad. The tactic is to use an array of suppressive mechanisms that literally chop away at your self-esteem. They will do what it takes to control you, and they very much believe they are infallible. Be prepared because they do not show sympathy, nor do they have the desire to understand others.”

Here are some tactics from the book:

• Sandwiches an insult into a statement that has some truth to it- you are feeling confused

• Makes you feel unsure in your surroundings for long periods of time so your adaptability is less likely to kick in

• Takes their own feelings and puts the responsibility of them on you, as if these feelings are yours. If someone doesn’t like you, they may say, “I don’t think you like me.” (projection- easy to see through once you look for it)

• Exaggerations of small truths which are then used to attack your self-esteem rather than the problem. You forget to get cash at the ATM on the way home and they tell you you are stupid. The problem is no cash. Instead, YOU become the problem. (generalization)

• This implies judgment. If you forgot the cash and they call you stupid, there are undertones that that is a consensus about you.

• They may talk sweetly, but there is poison in their words. “I don’t want to hurt you, but…” “Don’t be upset, but…” (sneak-attack)

• Double-meaning or mixed messages show up when they may tell you they love you in the restaurant in front of all your friends, but then yells at you in the car all the way home.

• They may ask you a question and then interrupt so you cannot finish. (cutting communication)

• They may shower you with compliments. This is solely for the purpose of tearing you down later. They get you dependent on them for your self-esteem and then they obliterate you on purpose. The worst part is when they convince you that you have such little value that no one else will want you. (manipulation and building up/cutting down)

• Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. They may make subtle or overt gestures about the behavior they seek from you. And when you make a decision and finally act, it will be wrong either way. You will feel quite trapped.

• They make whatever you express seem crazy, completely off the mark. (invalidating, crazy-making, gaslighting)

This is what they do in their minds in order to live with themselves:

1. They hurt you

2. They justify hurting you internally

3. They suppress what is natural, healthy guilt and it translates into a steady bad mood or unpredictable behavior

4. They avoid confrontation of their bad behavior or atonement at all costs

There is about 1% of the population that skips steps 2 & 3 in their head. They have no remorse. They are the most dangerous and truly unreachable. Psychopaths and sociopaths.

For any of these behaviors, there are two things to keep in mind. If you engage, they will only perceive what you are saying as a form of invalidation because they are so sure they are right or too insecure to exercise the thought they could be wrong. So, don’t. Do NOT engage.

They have lost their connection to others by having no conscience over time.

If there is some situation where you cannot escape interaction:

1. speak only of the facts as briefly as possible

2. leave feelings out entirely and

3. ask nothing of them

If you think you might have had a tangle with an invalidator, once you are alone, observe yourself. Take inventory of how you feel both emotionally and physically. Are you worse for the wear while the other person seems completely unfazed? This is a good indicator you have been invalidated. Work through the facts of the conversation and rewrite the end that puts you in a strong position, but not overpowering. Do not try to go back and make things right. Maybe you walked away before further damage was done. Keep doing that and pretty soon, you will become comfortable with this boundary and then you can work on another area that requires tougher boundaries.

Do not blame yourself. If you cannot overcome the feelings you are experiencing, you may need to talk to someone like a coach or therapist to get you out of the rut of rumination or repeating the same behaviors. Think of it like this. It isn’t weakness that made you seek help.

This is recruitment coming from a place of brutal honesty with yourself about how important it is to you NOT to continue violating your own boundaries and experiencing further invalidation from others.

You are creating an army of people who will help you love, protect and understand yourself!!!