Mixed Messages: Depression & Toxic Positivity

Let’s talk about mixed messages. Two in particular. Depression and toxic positivity. Both ends of the spectrum- seems like an interesting balance.

Depression. Why does it happen? Why doesn’t it happen?

Sometimes, I feel strong-armed by people who say they are trying to support me and then tell me to snap out of it or I am coddling myself or that I am focusing on the wrong thing. Depression looks different to different people. It CAN be an imbalance in your brain but it is not a chicken or the egg question. There is always a reason that depression comes about. But, again, I do not believe it is uniform and falls in line like the most docile of children. What causes depression in me may be extremely manageable for the next person. Perhaps it takes quite a bit for me to become depressed. This is actually the case. Because I have lived through quite a bit of trauma, experienced depression on and off my whole life- some circumstantial reasons like my mother dying or me having to return to the US after living in Europe. Other reasons have been because of trauma and abuse and chronic physical pain before I cut out gluten and before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Even as a child, I was almost held back in 1st grade because I missed so much school because of my stomach problems, which were determined to be lactose and citrus intolerances. As a child, it is even more difficult to manage, emotionally metabolize ongoing pain. This probably did contribute to me already having those roads built in my brain for depression to come and go.

But NO ONE gets to tell me that I am using depression as an excuse. (Read: No one gets to tell YOU...) To my deepest core of self, I believe it is my soul being completely in disarray, out of sorts, in pain, struggling to exist well. And these things are not a snap of the fingers, magic wand fix.

Currently, I am in a bout of depression. It does affect my performance to a certain degree. I have much less energy, I sleep more, I am less objective than when I am depressed and everything takes me longer to do. But, that curve started out quite logical and I have a good awareness of where I become compromised which means I can compensate in those areas if I need to. That in itself is also exhausting when you are already depressed.

Depression feels different, sometimes because of cause, sometimes because of a myriad of other contributing factors. This depression causes me a lack of motivation and exhaustion from ALL types of exertion.

Self-care helps a lot. But, sometimes, I don’t have the energy to do that consistently, either. However, I am not a person who loses touch with my goals even during depression. I just know it slows me down a bit. And what if that is what I actually need?

Depression happens for a reason. Your whole being is protesting the status quo. That is a survival instinct and it is good. So, unless it becomes debilitating enough that you cannot function in your daily responsibilities or become suicidal, then its purpose needs to be explored.

I can tell you a few reasons why I am struggling right now. As I have evolved as a coach, I have found a few tender areas I need to address. Becoming is a life-long process and there is not one ounce of shame in me for not being “perfect” and still putting myself out there as a coach. I started keto almost a year ago and have basically failed at it. I ate 900 kcal a day for several months and got down to about 118 pounds. Too skinny, my brain couldn’t function. And I have not had the energy or time to figure out what to do next. I have not exercised in about the same amount of time. I know that once I start walking again, it will help a great deal. Tonight I got a good walk in as I had my car serviced and while it was at Wal-Mart, I walked to a pharmacy where I picked up a prescription and then I walked to Cato and got a new shirt. It felt good to walk. I am not on an anti-depressant because Prozac makes me have no appetite and numbs me out too much and Zoloft did nothing for me in the past and it is extremely difficult to come off of Prozac AND I can overcome this challenge without medications.

Also, since October, I have been very consistently working on building this business. So, I work full-time and then I come home and work some more. Not to mention, I just became a grandma and teach piano lessons. My plate is extremely full. I am grateful for my life and in no way complaining. It simply takes effort to excel at the balance of it all.

I have also been on a 6 month dating fast. Something I never deliberately did before. And while I think it was one of the healthiest choices I have ever made for myself, it gave me space to feel the pain of loneliness. I rarely feel it, but when I do, it is excruciating. Thank goodness for my kitty cat, music, friends and family.

I know there has been a great deal revealed to me through my depression and as long as I continue to seek, on my own timetable, then I am headed in the right direction. That may look like I am stuck to someone on the outside, but it is me taking the time I need. Honoring my needs is something I was not good at before I reached my 40’s. I also have not hid that I am depressed to my friends and family. I am not looking for sympathy, but they know me and I trust them to know this about me.

So, then let’s talk about toxic positivity. This is where someone takes positivity to the extreme, avoiding the whole reality of what is going on. And I also believe the pursuit of happiness can be a false path. If I am sad or depressed or seeking joy, but someone comes along and says “well, at least you aren’t as bad off as >blank<” or “it could be worse” or “there is always a silver lining.” That last one is the one that gets under my skin. Happiness is NOT just always around the corner, bad things sometimes happen for no rhyme or reason and denying the whole picture is a true injustice to the person who is struggling for clarity. The people who try to glide over what is happening for me are not the people I will add to my corner. It is a way to deflect that maybe what is going on IS depression. But what I really need to care and someone that really hears me. Holding space is a powerful thing.

The other part of this specific equation is the pursuit of outright happiness. I have long believed there is no such thing as it is fleeting and not an actual state of being. Seeking joy, contentment and peace are noble endeavors and long-lasting possibilities on how we live and conduct ourselves in our day-to-day lives.

When I encounter this attitude, I often confront it right off and say I don’t believe in happiness or I choose to call it something else. While I do not want my life to be in turmoil, I do not want to be checked out to what is really going on. I rarely take my real life concerns to people who are going to dismiss me because they cannot deal with my situation. That is a short-coming in them, nothing to do with me.

Hopefully, you can see that not all depression is meaningless. While we can create neural pathways that are negative, we are wired to see the world in this way. We have to deliberately choose a different view and once we do that in an on-going way, Negativity Highway becomes much less traveled. Seeking meaning in that suffering is very necessary to find the way out of it. Logotherapy was a clinical paradigm developed by Elie Wiesel, a holocaust survivor. He also said that humor was a vital part of overcoming. We can all attest to feeling better if we laugh during our day.

And perhaps you will now be more aware of what kind of messages are coming from people regarding happiness and depression. There are NO “should” even in the hard times. You get to forge the way that makes sense to you. Keep in mind that progress can look like baby steps for quite awhile, but it adds up.

So, take the extra time to snuggle longer in bed with yourself, your pet, your partner. Eat the extra bar of chocolate every once in a while. Do healthy things for yourself and keep pressing forward even if it feels like you are trudging through a swamp for a moment of your life. Savor and create positive moments, but accept and give yourself permission to be where you are. Lean in to what your heart is speaking.