Pitfalls of Poor Programs

I do not believe there is a perfect way to heal from narcissistic abuse. It is complex because the abuser usually has at least one severe personality disorder and also often has the co-morbidity (another issue alongside main diagnosis) of addiction that has specific ways of being expressed in the abuse. Addiction could be drugs/alcohol, gambling, food, sexual deviance, or even desperate drive for recognition. From the victim’s aspect, they probably have unresolved childhood trauma, attachment issues and PTSD and C-PTSD from the trauma of the abuse. They have been brainwashed and isolated and see with distorted vision.

The dynamics of abuse look different in every case although the tactics are pretty consistent across the board.

The healing trajectory looks a lot like grief, which is sometimes disorganized, two steps forward and five back, can go in any direction and is repetitive. People often say grief is a straight line based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s model of shock, anger, bargaining, acceptance and depression/sadness. However, even this is wrong because this is for people who are grieving for themselves, not for others. Instances where people are diagnosed with a chronic, fatal disease will grieve more like Ross’s model, still with weaving in and out of the stages she identified. But to apply her model to a loss of perhaps said patient is fully inaccurate. Why would a survivor bargain? There may be survivor’s guilt, but that is not the same as bargaining. So, Kubler-Ross’s model is not an accurate picture of grief from loss. There is also anticipatory grief and that comes in when the survivors know that the death of above said patient is coming.

I bring the grief model up to illustrate how most people have misidentified and misapplied Kubler-Ross’s theory. How many people do you know that have read “On Death and Dying”? Besides that, these same kinds of misunderstandings apply to abuse recovery programs.

What happens is that:

1. If someone says they are an expert, they are automatically believed.

2. Ideas that are widely accepted are applied even if they don’t make sense or are outdated.

3. Our general lack of skill in critical thinking and processing affects how well we process.

4. When we are recovering from trauma, our brains are still functioning on survival mode. While I do not have the statistics of how long we remain in that state, I can tell you that the trauma doesn’t go away if it hasn’t been treated properly and we carry it in our bodies. Until we start here, nothing else matters much. It would be like applying salve to a gaping wound in the hope that that alone with clean it, protect it and close it so it heals well. We know that doesn’t work.

5. Our trust mechanism is still wounded and under-functioning so we are more susceptible to false or misleading information.

6. People are looking for quick and easy generally and this particular healing road in life is NOT that so any promises to that affect are lies.

It breaks my heart to come across other curricula and life coaches/therapists who are perpetuating damage and abuse. Some of them truly don’t mean to, but one of my biggest concerns is when therapists feel adequately educated to because they are “trauma-informed,” but haven’t lived it themselves. I will never trust them in the same way I would a survivor. BUT, again, I wouldn’t inherently trust a survivor either. Whomever I have chosen to trust has earned that trust and I have dug into their theories and perspectives before I allow myself to jump on-board. Even then, I may agree with part but not all of what they have to say. This is NOT a paranoid approach, or my own painful past clouding my vision. This is me checking, re-checking, turning it over to God, and using my discerning thinking to decide where I stand on other people’s ideas.

The most dangerous of all resources are narcissists. I don’t care what professional education they bring to the table. If they are a self-proclaimed narcissist, I will not only NOT believe what they have to say, but I also will not give their work the time and attention they want. I have never heard of a narcissist who is so outspoken who is trying to help other narcs leave that way of living, thinking, being behind. It is always only educating the victim. And people lap it up, but they are drinking the blood of the vampire.

There are many aspects that I consider in my programs. I am not a therapist and I know that my clients may need to see one in conjunction with our work. That is not something I play with, nor do I try to be a client’s everything. But, I do think I have the most unique and thoughtful program there is.

First of all, calming the nervous system is vital. There are multiple ways to do this. This is a fairly new field in neuroscience, but there is rock-solid research and application of this available to the lay public. If symptoms are severe enough, this is a perfect example of needing therapy for professional support through this stage, at least to more stable footing.

Second, self-regard must be learned and lived out. This is an on-going process. It is multi-faceted and not an easy part of the journey. This includes mindfulness and self-compassion, loving-kindness to self and restoring the view of self and re-instilling/re-adjusting the underpinning belief system.

Self identity and identity of and in God has been wounded.

Our spiritual well-being in the absolute crux of healing and must start early, be deliberate and continuous. This is the center of the wheel of healing, without which, none will grow or evolve. Church leadership is often the worst place for abused women to turn as they will perpetuate abuse by their lack of education and misapplication of scripture. Spiritual bypassing is a dangerous way to also deepen the wounding rather than healing it. That includes ignoring feelings that have been stigmatized like confusion about certain scriptures or like when church leadership makes a woman’s anger at the abuse the focus of the family problems rather than the abuse itself. It could also be hiding behind pious behavior rather than feeling the real feelings including anger at God and not forgiving right away, but in realistic time for the victim. It also does not mean adding neo-pagan/magical or even atheist perspectives. No tarot, reiki, manifestation, energy work is biblical. While I am Christian and believe in the Bible, I think there is a lot of damaging patriarchal and misogynist language that is misunderstood and taken out of context. Hearing scripture or stepping into a church may not be something a survivor is able to do right away. I still believe in God’s word and let truth be determined by the Holy Spirit within me and through prayer. But this is a delicate topic that must be handled with great attentiveness.

We also definitely need to identify what abuse occurred. Claiming your story is very important and powerful.

Triggers also need to be handled from the perspective of keeping the nervous system calm or being able to restore balance without assistance down the road. Anything else anyone peddles is just dangerous.

Learning what healthy love looks like is as crucial as breathing oxygen.

I do not believe in love addiction, co-dependence, twin flames, soul mates…all of these are areas that take people down the wrong paths.

Shame, self-forgiveness, red/yellow flags, new relationships, forgiveness of abuser, when to date, taking care of our bodies, taking control of our finances and steering our futures in our chosen paths are also considerations for healing, but come later down the road.

I could write pages and pages of what else could be included in recovery. It is insidiously easy to fall for the wrong coach, therapist or program.

Here are some things to watch out for. Many of the things on this list are science-based. Many of the things on this list I have experienced myself, so are subjective. But, I think regardless of whether it is opinion or not, it is worth noting and considering:

• Christians who talk about how “we” could never be abusive or as sinful as the abuser. This implies the abuser is not saved (them against us). We do not have the authority or right to determine this. Christians can be the cruelest people there are, so they are not an excluded group for bad behavior based on membership.

• Leaders who tell you exactly what you want to hear, make it sound easy and quick. However, it also doesn’t need to take years and years

• One form of support. Ideal is coaching and also therapy in brief stints, specifically using EMDR and/or helping a client move from primal/survival mode in the brain to higher thinking. If severe depression, anxiety or suicidal ideation becomes apparent, therapy would need to be revisited in these instances. Physician for physical issues. Possibly support group of therapy/coaching program does not offer this. However, being in more than one group may be helpful for varying perspectives, fresh ideas, new input.

• Any activities done in the name of healing that leaves you feeling too vulnerable, alone, triggered.

• Are still angry themselves or encourage revenge

• A man leading a woman on a woman’s issue

• While certifications are important, I have found some coaches who lie about their education or exaggerate. There is no singular group that has oversight to the coaching field.

• Focus on only a few aspects of healing rather than a wholistic perspective

• Do not address the physical health. People who have suffered trauma are more likely to develop chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, auto-immune diseases, obesity, heart disease, and mental illnesses.

• Models that instill hope that narcissists can change

• Nouthetic counseling- dangerous because the Bible is not exhaustive on the topics of women’s rights, abuse and divorce

• Focus on you forgiving on demand, being more submissive, having more sex with your partner, using scripture to reinforce any of these directives, which are poorly hidden tactics of victim blaming

• Programs that have secrecy around it

• Programs that do not discuss safety plans if a victim hasn’t left yet

• Leaders who ask you not to seek out any other perspective

• Too little support, idea that a support group alone is enough. This is quite an undertaking that needs one-on-one, direct support.

• Programs that treat your abusive relationship like it was real love. It was trauma bonding and you fell for the mask the narcissist presented. Who they really are is not lovable at all, but rather, very dangerous

• Authors that sell their books on Amazon for a very low price. As is true of most of life, you get what you pay for.

• Programs that leave God completely out of it- this is the most dangerous omission of all

So, we talked about how there are ways to identify if recovery programs are good or not and what gets in our own way of seeing that. I have also listed highlights of programs and this should be the bare minimum. I have also discussed what to avoid if you wonder whether a program is solid or not. While there is a lot of good information out there, it takes a good deal of discernment to find the right program. See what the free content is like, if it resonates, if the founder ever makes an appearance or is contactable.

Consider that this has to do with healing for the rest of your life.

It is not something that should be low-priced. If you did therapy for three years, how much would you spend? Life coaching may seem high dollar, but it is a fraction of the cost compared to years of therapy and the right coach/program is worth every penny.