Should I Date An Abuse Survivor?
- kyafae
- Apr 11, 2022
- 5 min read
When I dated prior to six month ago, I used dating apps. There was this guy with seeming real potential. I did feel like he grilled me. I allowed him to, which in retrospect, was a mistake.
Probably one of those yellow flags which is really a red flag on its best behavior.
But, I do not mind answering questions and I find that to be a very positive way to get to know people. You know the difference, though, between back-and-forth questions and grilling. As if MY life needed to be scrutinized. He had to measure me and decide if I was left wanting.
How much power we give away randomly, without examining motives and observing behaviors, truly haunts and hurts me. I am still working on this.
While my abuse history is not something I try to hide, I also share sparingly. I asked him to read an article about dating an abuse survivor. We had a lot in common, but I noticed that when I started pressing him about certain topics, he was very resistant. I was shocked at his response when I asked him if he had and it hurt me badly.
Another thing he said before I return to the article issue, is that there were a couple women in his life that he ended things with because he felt like he wasn’t ready. There was nothing wrong with them or with the relationship. And he would marry one of them if she was available. The other one got upset (rightfully so) and they no longer have contact. To say you had what you wanted TWICE and couldn’t GET ready to keep it? I challenged him on that, how he COULD walk away especially because he presented as someone who really wanted a deep, meaningful, long-term relationship. I am not sure which was worse- his entitled attitude to walk away because he chose to remain immature or his defensiveness when I called him out on it.
So, when the article check-in came up, things were already on thin ice, by his doing.
He said he had NOT looked up any articles because he was SURE he would have chosen the wrong one and how did he know what pertained to my situation? I later googled that exact topic and numerous articles came up. I checked out the top five and while they may not have been magazines I would have picked up to read, they were well-written and informative. I had _no expectation_ except to hear what insights he gained. Then, he told me I was difficult and demanding because, again, I called him on a bullshit answer. We stopped talking after that conversation. To write about it still bothers me because it made me lose some faith in people. They do not want to plug in to difficult topics like abuse. It isn’t like I asked for that to be part of my history. And I was being transparent and told him directly that it would help the way we relate for him to learn about that topic.
I would like to offer my own tips to people who may date someone with abuse history.
Here are the top five things to watch out for, to protect yourself, that indicate your potential partner is not healed enough to have a healthy relationship:
Your potential partner is very clingy. This is a sign of enmeshment behavior and is attachment rather than genuine love. They may mention they do not know who they are and may be looking for you to define them, as abusers often mold behavior in their victim.
Your potential partner reveals a lot of their history right up front, over-shares. This is a tactic to make sure you know what you are getting into, but it is coming from a place of fear, that if you knew later you might choose to leave. Also, it can be a form of self-sabotage because most people are not terribly comfortable with having too much information about someone they just met- it scares you off.
Your potential partner has a meltdown either at you or about someone else, but you have to hear more than enough information (lack of self-control and/or understanding their feelings)
Your potential partner needs constant reassurance: yes you like her, no there is nobody else, you love this this and this about her, no you will never leave, etc.
Your potential partner is not in therapy or has not had any assistance to metabolize abuse
One in three women in America is being abused, so chances are you have dated someone who has survived it.
Know that most likely they have a form of C-PTSD; “C” is for complex referring to both the on-going nature of abuse and that it is multi-layered and can deeply affect our sense of self. Do not be afraid to ask questions, but be gentle and patient and kind. Do not judge her for what she shares.
She will probably always have triggers, but she knows what will affect her most of the time. However, sense of smell can be one of the biggest triggers, so if she says she needs you to change your cologne, this is one of those moments you don’t need to ask why. Triggers happen sometimes without warning, too. Again, she is most likely pretty prepared for that.
She will not appoint you to help her heal, you are not a form of savior for her, she does not seek to become dependent on you. She also will not hold you responsible for every mean thing that ever happened to her. She wants to see your relationship in a new and healthy realm.
This one comes with a caveat because we can do quite a lot of work with ourselves, but there are some things about trust that have to be worked through relationally.
She may shut down during a disagreement, but she is evaluating her level of safety as the situation unfolds. She will want to resolve it with you, but she may just need time and space. Talk about healthy disagreements before they happen.
If you limit her choices, she may feel boxed in. She will not respond well to being told what to do. (Um, what woman does? This is a sign of controlling behavior.) If she comes to you for advice, do more listening than talking and don’t try to solve the situation.
Do not try to play her protector. She has learned through therapy and self-work how to take care of herself. If she invites you to do that, then have a conversation about boundaries to make sure it is coming from a healthy place.
She may be hesitant at first or need to take things slow. She will be a good communicator, but she may not reveal everything she is thinking and feeling.
Do not tiptoe around the topic as it will become an elephant in the room. It is ok to be curious, but how much she shares is directly correlated to how trust-building is coming along.
Discuss touch with her. Talk about preferences for both of you- I do not mean just sexually. Touch may have been a weapon in the past against her.
Know that you do not need to know all the details. She will not ask you to be the vault-keeper for her past hurts.
We are all fragile. On the flip side of that, though, recognize how much courage and resilience and perseverance she has to have healed. These are terrific, strong attributes in a partner. We all just want to be accepted for who we are, right?
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