Why There Is No Magic Key

If you are looking for a fairy tale, I cannot offer that. But, when we talk about change, I believe what happens within us and to our entire life is better because it is grounded in reality.

Change is hard. Not just because we are wired for survival, but because we have built literal highways in our brains and creating new one takes a while. Three cycles of 21 days to be exact, if you ask neuroscientist, Caroline Leaf. (https://drleaf.com/products/pre-order-cleaning-up-your-mental-mess) This has to be done with intentionality on a daily basis. She has coined this discipline as mind management. Most of us are not that great at jumping into a new behavior because it isn’t habit, because the path is yet to be forged or presently under construction.

Another reason change is hard is because we get comfortable and/or complacent. The saying “don’t fix what’s not broken” has truth to it. There is no need to “reinvent the wheel.” However, sometimes, not broken looks like convenience, laziness, depression, overwhelm or many other things; it can also look like excuses, not reasons. The challenge to step up to something new, unimagined, unlived can be intimidating and scary because we don’t know where it might lead, what it might cost, what we might have to give up. The “mights” get very heavy and can even drag us to a halt.

So, how do we find the right formula for us? Honestly, this is the wrong question. There is not a blanket formula that helps every person. What does help is really knowing yourself. Here are some questions to think about:

1. What are my top three values and why?

2. Who are the most high-value people in my life? What draws me to them/what puts them in that category?

3. What are three strengths and two struggles I have with myself?

4. What areas could do with a good evaluation in my life? My physical or mental health? The quality of my relationships? My job or career? My finances? My spirituality? My upcoming and long-term goals?

5. What is something I want in my life that I have done nothing to attain/reach? Why?

Knowing yourself enables you to trust yourself to a much deeper level. But, if you don’t there is no shame in that. Sometimes, we haven’t had the opportunity to get to know ourselves or don’t really know where to start. Maybe you haven’t thought to ask these kinds of things. That is perfectly fine, too. But, where there is change, there is depth and struggle and a solid foundation is imperative.

What works for your bestie, your spouse, your children, the cat will not work for you. Everyone brings their own history- the spectrum from horror to hope.

Another thing to consider is how much trauma you have experienced. Chad Peevy (https://chadpeevy.com/) wrote a book called Break and Untangle. You can get this for free and it has special content as a bonus, which is very useful. One of the main things he talks about is inherited mindset. This is beliefs that have been passed down, or ideas that you absorbed without question. They can be at work in your life on every level and you not even know it. So, getting in touch with these invisible, yet active or influential ideas is important so you can begin to reroute yourself, if you so choose.

Healthy doesn’t just happen, though. A lot of times, we need a guide, we need support, we need to see the amazing outcomes other people have reached who came from similar pain. Healthy is a life-long arc of growth. There is no exact trajectory, so throw away the maps. You get to design it as you go along.

One of my former therapists called our work together an “intentional drift.” I wrote a poem on this, so I hope you don’t mind if I share.

Before I wrap up, I invite you to ask yourself the hard things- to think on them, to do them, to resist your status quo. When you do venture forward, seek out strong support. Courage is doing something even when you are scared and that is where you touch the sacred.

An intentional drift

Lost in a sea of illusion, Haunting from the inside out

Come to the surface for a different view

My heart is a void if it lacks exploration

A story echoes, but does not reveal

A soul such worlds apart from itself, Come back to me

Let me make peace with the pain

Let me hold my heart’s longing, rinse the wounds with my tears

Let me seek connection to nourish my soul

Shadows of my self are only the places I’ve been afraid to go to

It is acceptable to leave behind what I thought I knew

To be brighter and genuine and free

Let us make peace with the path

Let us hold space for all hearts, love washing over

Let us seek the sunlight to nourish our souls