Doing The Work Could Look Like This

There are two frames you need to use as you read through this information.

First, every journey is different.

But there are certain milestones that most people touch upon during their journey. Do not compare yourself, do not expect your healing to look exactly like anyone else's. This is a gift.

Second, I am here to walk beside you, but only you hold your answers.

You may need a team of people. As I have said, over time, I saw four different counselors and two life coaches. I have also seen two functional doctors, a chiropractor and a dietitian. Not because any of those people had shortcomings, but circumstances and topics at hand required the person best for those segments. There are tools in every stage and not a right order. Sometimes, we stay in one spot for awhile or circle back to a lesson we thought was complete.

The answers you find may be exactly opposite of what you were looking for, but if you follow Christ, stay the path. His work does not always make sense to us, but that is where our faith can grow. He doesn't have to lay out the plan for us to walk the path. He loves for us to step out in faith.

The Awakening

This is the process of realizing your situation is quite outside the norm of regular relationship problems. I felt so much same at first for claiming that I had been abused. Like I deserved it, so no one should pay attention to my small voice. It was completely by accident that I discovered what was going on. I journaled throughout my life and finding so many entries that were textbook examples of abuse that I didn't recognize. Leslie Vernick's "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" had my reality all over those pages. At the same time, my husband came to me saying he had a porn problem and wanted to take it to the church. Make no mistake, these two are strongly connected.

Educating yourself on your own experiences will help you see your reality. Start a journal. Document to find patterns in your behavior and your partner's behavior. This will be a painful process. If you have to, create a new email address for yourself that your partner doesn't know about and send yourself emails with these details. This is where cognitive dissonance is the strongest. Find your local victim center and see what resources they have- group meetings, counseling, literature to read.

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

This is a very thorough article about the tactics an abuser may use. It isn't the-more-tactics-the-worse-the-abuse. There may be a few very often-used tactics and that is damaging enough! https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Re-learning Yourself

Invest in who you are. Learn to talk to yourself gently, with patience. Treat yourself like you want to be treated. If that means you do one thing a day for yourself, then do it. Start taking inventory of the kinds of thoughts that go through your head.

Savannah Lindell, who spoke at Divine Image DFL Conference in October 2022, stated that we have approximately 12,000 thoughts a day and 80% of those thoughts are negative. And as we move through life, we become less connected to our creativity. If you were once a painter, consider reinvesting and watch how your art appears with your current perspective and what it does for your state of mind.

https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types

I am an INTj-T. You can learn about The Architect here: https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

Maybe you don't know how you like to best be loved. It can help you apply this to your own self-care. And while it is a simple test, it is a terrific starting point.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Developing Cope Skills

This is multi-faceted. Self-care is an on-going process. If you are having C-PTSD, I strongly recommend doing EMDR with a licensed therapist. Read online, get books. Hide your resources if you need to. One thing I did was to make my journaling more of a creative endeavor, using my scrapbooking tools for expressing my feelings in a visual way.

Rebuilding Your Foundation

You see what is happening, you are beginning to know who you are, this is where faith can absolutely flourish. Happiness is fleeting, but joy can occur anytime under any circumstance. It is a choice. The more you cultivate your relationship with Christ, the more your healing will progress. One of the best books that you can read about your situation is: Univited, by Lysa TerKeurst. You will hear a lot about her if we work together because she is theologically sound and takes on the hard topics that even many churches shy away from. There is also an assessment you can take here: https://www.uninvitedbook.com/assessment

This is also where you may develop your boundary skills and start acknowledging you have goals for your future you have been too scared to even entertain. Digging into your past may be an important aspect as well. I find that things become more intuitive and start to make sense in this stage. The end still feels far off, but you are beginning to comprehend there is real, true hope for your life.

If you struggle to commit to yourself, that is part of the process. But, that is also where a coach steps in a motivates you, gives you perspective, and adjusts level of involvement depending on need. Some days, you may contact me throughout the day. Other times, you may reach out only once a week or at our weekly check-in.

This is time-consuming and multi-faceted. What you may see at the beginning that needs attention can evolve as you grow.

Assimilate This New Information

If you are starting to feel more like yourself and you see your situation for what it is, what does that mean for your life? What are the possibilities now? Dream boards may be a useful tool for you for different areas of your life. Make new habits a regular part of your daily routine. Take bigger steps, observe your anxiety or stress decreasing. Assess where you have been and where you are now.

Make Decisions and Plans

You get to imagine more for your life than what you are experiencing. If you think leaving is part of your process, then making your exit plan is important. It may look like getting a job so you can support yourself. If you did a dream board, this is where you create an action plan and step into that.

Continue Making Connections

You will be bringing new people into your life during this process. While we shouldn't base who we have in our lives solely on feelings, it is good to assess if these people are positive, good influences, enhancing your journey or making things worse. As I moved further in, I noticed I attracted other survivors. Then I started craving the company of women who had overcome. Some people may say this is a sort of "leveling up." I think it just means as you progress, you want to surround yourself with people who inspire you. This is also a great indicator that your self-efficacy and self-love has increased.

In the Bible, seven is considered one of the numbers of completion. This is a seven-step overview of a much broader path that goes as deep as you need it to to bring you resolution and wholeness.