Three 4's: What Doesn't Work, What I Don't Do, & What I Do

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When my life began to unravel, I realized I was isolated, had no one I could reach out to. If I did try, I was judged for being angry at my husband's porn issue, I was accused of blowing things out of proportion, I was doubted, I was marginalized. I found a website where I could email someone and they would pray for me. That helped my frame of mind, but it was not meant to be guidance. I joined a virtual support group for awhile, but it seemed like the leader was still in the midst of her own healing and there was a lot of negativity allowed in the group and not a lot of direction. At that point, I didn't know how to name what was happening, only that something was going horribly sideways in my marriage and I was in pain _all the time._ I cried myself to sleep, I fantasized about self-harm. I felt tortured, like my very soul was dying within my still-functioning body.

I was looking for something comprehensive, something that made sense from beginning to end and was not cookie cutter. I have tried numerous programs that are offered on the internet to help me through my own abuse recovery. I found bits and pieces along the way. Some were very good bloggers, but lacked knowledge. Some were haphazard in their programs and left people dangerously unsupported. Some were still angry and focused on finding your version of getting even. Some even recommend watching videos of self-diagnosed narcissists. I will talk about that in greater depth later. Some were solid but too Christian- meaning I felt more religious guilt going through what they wrote rather than God's love. Some wouldn't mention God, but some vague greater power. I was looking to take my destiny into my own hands, not put it into some vague belief system. Some were very good on a clinical level, but had no skills to connect.

I did not find what I was looking for. I ended up piecemealing many different resources together. While I am not saying my program is going to be perfect, I do think having experienced ones that fell short gave me a much clearer path for overall healing.

As we move forward together, it is vital to embrace that this is your life we are talking about. Your long-term well-being and possibly the same for your children. It is not something that can be fixed in a few weeks or be done without support.

The quality of support matters a great deal. Is the person guiding you still drowning in bitterness? Is that person truly healed and on the other side of things? Is that person able to be very honest with you or will they sugar-coat everything or just skim the surface? Does the program make sense to you even if you don't understand everything just yet? Are you willing to trust the process and lean on the coach you have chosen? We will talk about your needs when we begin and throughout the program as you will find your own voice becoming stronger in time.

One of my favorite authors just released a self-guided program for people who are recoving from narcissistic abuse. I understand why he did it. It is such a pertinent topic, many people in your position may not be able to afford a coaching package, he wants to offer relief to people in the quickest possible way. I do not think it is safe to have someone delve into very serious topics and have no touchpoint, to rile you up and leave you at this vulnerable place to shut it down on your own. There is a lot of research currently focused on trauma-aware coaching and counseling. Meditation can actually bring on anxiety attacks or C-PTSD flashbacks, so tacking some of that on at the end can also do more harm than good. I understand there is often shame, guilt and embarrassment involved with abuse. But, secrecy or continued isolation are two enemies of healing, plain and simple. And there must be clear understanding of the how healing can actually trigger more trauma when handled inappropriately.

I want to tell you this is not a quick process. That is something that made me mad all along the way. It was taking too long.

• Part of it was because I was trying out programs that didn’t work.

• Part of it was because I stayed far too long with my abuser.

• Part of it is because I am stubborn and I wanted to try to do it my way.

• And each and every time, I left God out most of the time. Peripherally, I’d pray or think on a few theological ideas.

None of those things worked. Not individually or collectively.

However, I found all the pieces that DO work as I went along my windy, chaotic road. Being on the other side, I would have given anything…._ANYTHING_ to have a comprehensive course like this. As I said, it will not be perfect and will look different for each person. But, I do think, after years of personal research and experience, that this will take you further in a shorter period of time than my own journey.

In addition, because I am not a counselor, be prepared that at some point, I will refer you to start seeing one. Do not put it off. Do not procrastinate. Dive in. It will enhance what is happening with your journey.

Here are the main reasons other programs fail:

1. They are far too short. Most abused people have history to sort through and true transformation only sticks with practice, changed thinking/behavior and on-going support.

2. They do not consider the whole picture of your life. Some may focus on the mental/emotional aspect. But, how is your physical health? I developed fibromyalgia and needed a doctor for treatment. I didn’t even believe that was a real diagnosis until it happened to me. And of course, how is your spiritual health? If you are a Christian, being abused, I imagine you feel lonelier than you ever thought someone with God “should” feel.

3. They are not individualized and one-on-one. A self-guided course is NOT going to get your where you need to go. Ten self-guided courses will not get you where you need to go. Because we heal through connection.

4. They do not include God in the healing process. This is the most important factor. As a non-believer, you can make great strides. But, I firmly believe, because his word tells us as much, that there are some things only God can handle. Some battles are not ours. I have had supernatural healing from him directly in some areas that would never have healed otherwise. No amount of work with any amount of practitioners offering another way can get you where God can.

What my program is not:

1. A one-size fits all set of solutions. Every situation is different and I will help to empower you to make the changes you need.

2. Quick, easy and painless. It will take effort and time and it will hurt. But, hopefully it will begin to hurt in a new way. Like the pain after surgery. It was a necessary pain to get you to the next and better level in your health and life. Your individual coaching can be extended after the program is over if there is a need for that.

3. A club to talk about how difficult your life is but apply no effort in changing your circumstance.

4. A program that will force Jesus on you. But, it is the cornerstone of what will happen within you, if you allow it.

What my program is:

1. Education and support; guidance through the hills and valleys

2. Accountability and referrals as needed

3. Clarity of who you are and helping you reach new places; freedom from abuse!

4. Healing & wholeness- with hope, love and compassion

If you are on the waiting list, please join the Facebook group, consider seeing a therapist while you wait and join us for free webinars at least once a quarter. Finding a therapist is a daunting task sometimes. I do have resources available to help you pick the best one for your needs.