What The Past Has To Do With The Present

Not everyone who becomes a target for domestic violence had a difficult childhood.

But, there are a few things to consider in regard to your past. Often, our memories are filtered through our experiences from a child's perspective. That is why trauma can remain unhealed for years. It can be hard to access those tough memories, they may not make sense, or you may have blocked them out. We can also continue to find ourselves in difficult relationships because we don't know what healthy looks like. That may be based on our parents' relationship or other adults we had in our lives as we were growing up.

"Normalizing" abuse is a term that doesn't quite fit what it is trying to describe. But, it does refer to the kind of standards a person has. It is based on our past experiences and if all we know to associate with love is pain, then that is what we subconsciously seek and find.

There can also be a great deal of shame, guilt and lack of self-worth in a person who continues to be in destructive relationships. There is a saying that we don't do better till we know better.

And the knowing starts with the self. Inventorying relationship patterns. Observing how you handle conflict. How quickly do you go into the fight/flight/appease/freeze primal state? As you can see, I had some very deeply-rooted issues. It has taken a long time to not live in this space, but I don't anymore.

The other side of the coin is this. Do NOT get caught up in what a difficult past your abuser has had. Everyone has a choice how they respond. They have created a pattern of living that they rarely see to change. It works for them because it keeps people from knowing who they really are. They will not change. Dr. Phil said many years ago that the greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Why? Because people hate change. Especially control freaks who devolve into abusers. Once a relationship becomes toxic, there is no return from that. It only becomes a matter of how bad it is going to get.

There are some common commonalities in people who struggle to have healthy relationships. (I am not talking about the abuser, but the target.) Here are the top seven I have observed, both within myself and others with a similar history.

1. They do not think highly of themselves.

2. They struggle to set boundaries, thinking it is selfish or rude to do so. They may have never seen how healthy boundaries work, how you set them, how they are maintained and why they are even important. Dr. Henry Cloud is the top-notch leader in this area. I believe membership to his website is only $10/month. I subscribed for a few years. It made a huge difference for me.

3. Perfectionism- this steal the life from you!

4. People-pleasing. Closely related to perfectionism, yes?

5. Co-dependent. While I hate this label, it truly makes sense because people can become overly involved in one another's lives. This certainly sets up a control dynamic for a predator. And you can't save your abuser. YOU CAN ONLY SAVE YOURSELF.

6. Out of touch with their feelings.

7. Trauma bonding- this is the phenomenon when something difficult occurs and it brings two people closer. This could be caused by an outside force, but when abuse is involved, the abuser's treatment towards the victim causes her to cling more to the abuser. It is similar to Stockholm Syndrome.

The good news is that your past is your past. You can visit to learn things, but you get to focus on what is to come. And all the behaviors above can be replaced or removed.

Have you experienced any of the seven? Have you made any progress?

This might be a great mini course...