Strong Women: Stop Trying To Be Men

Recently, there has been a Facebook share going around from a LinkedIn article about how strong women shouldn't be bothered if people don't like it because it shows they have standards and boundaries. There is something about the phrase "strong woman" that makes me bristle.

I was a hard-core feminist in college. To the point I almost came across as a man-hater. Eventually, I calmed down and realized I'm for everybody. It isn't about valuing one gender over another.

Unfortunately, the sad truth is that as long as society is male-dominated, women will continue to be undervalued. We are still expected to work full-time and take care of the house and kids by many people, and not just our parents' age- our own partners often hold this expectation. If you are both working full time, then the home chores should be shared equally. Period. His work isn't harder than hers. As a matter of fact, because of the hostile workforce climate that is more the norm than the exception, it IS harder for a woman. She can work twice as much as a man and get paid less and experience discrimination or harassment that is not talked about. No matter how you frame it or wish it were different, it isn't in most work environments.

But, here is the real problem.

Women struggle to love themselves and we need to dig into that. We are told to have strong boundaries and have high standards, both of which are often not well-tolerated by many men. I am in NO way saying that a woman or any person should compromise in any of these areas. But, where I start to take issue is HOW a woman goes about obtaining and maintaining these habits and traits.

Develop strong boundaries and maintain high standards carefully and intentionally. It isn't about pleasing others, but being your best, protecting that and being satisfied with how you are living.

First, though, I need to make a distinction between assertiveness and aggression. I do not believe men OR women should be aggressive to get what they want. But, it is pretty widely accepted that if a man is, it is overlooked or chalked up to excessive machismo. Regardless of personal ethics for men, women need to be MORE careful in this arena. Otherwise, you are just simply playing the men's games by acting like them.

The other thing that should be said is that men could speak up against aggressive behavior, but they usually don't. There is a major deficit in support for and instruction of men which leads to the weaker choice of aggression.

But, if you want something, go for it. Be assertive. Do not cross the line of being aggressive, not only because it is rude and obnoxious and shouldn't BE tolerated, and it is most often attributed to men. Men do NOT like it when women are aggressive- major turn off and often shuts them down professionally as well. Women do not like it when other women are aggressive. So, why act like that? It is better for you to maintain your dignity than to stoop to aggression to get what you want.

Assertive people speak their mind honestly, but they choose not to raise their voice, speak faster or over other people. They wait their turn. Even if they ask for several turns, they don't point out they keep getting interrupted. They hold their boundaries without falling into games and they walk away instead of engaging when things deteriorate into ridiculousness.

Aggressive people say exactly what is on their mind without caring how it comes across. There is little finesse or consideration for who the audience is. They can and will step on others to get what they want, they may lie, they are often untrustworthy and they see their path as the most important. They talk over others, interrupt, they can be confrontational, even bully-ish. It can even come across as threatening. Competition feels like a pissing match and is often "won" by the person who doesn't give up, not based on merit. For people who have trauma in their past or are recovery from abuse, this can be a massive trigger as well.

Aggression leaves a bitter aftertaste. Assertiveness can lead to everyone getting what they want.

The bottom-line difference is a package deal: attitude, approach and amount of integrity. This is not gender-dependent, but an individual choice. Women do not have to be aggressive to get what they want. If you are in an environment that corners you into behavior that is not in line with who you are, consider making moves outside that job or relationship to new opportunities.

There is a movement involving women stepping into their Feminine Divinity. This is confusing to me. As a Christ follower, I just want to walk in his will and trust him with my life and continue to move in the direction I am heading. God's no's are pretty clear. I don't love the term Queen, either. There is room for so much entitlement in these labels. What I do think both of these angles are trying to emphasize is that we need to embrace that we are feminine from the inside out. In a gender-confused world, it is refreshing to see a woman who wants to be a woman.

My son and his wife are a perfect example. He didn't marry her because of what she did FOR him. He married her for WHO she is. And she knows how to BE extremely feminine, soft and supportive. This doesn't come hard for her. They would say about each other that they have grown more into who they want to be because they have one another. They compliment one another. There are some things that are equal in their world and some things that aren't based on gender roles. This actually creates balance.

So, if nothing else, step into your identity in Christ and draw out your femininity instead of forging your path without God's guidance or putting on masculine behavior. This is truly living in your own skin and who you were meant to be. It is absolutely distinguishable to the world.