Where Do I Start?

When my marriage started falling apart, even though I had been unhappy for some time, it really blind-sided me. My husband confessed his porn use to me and wanted to take it to the church. I didn't even know he had a porn habit. But, at that point, I could admit something was deeply amiss and I started seeking answers. Was it me? Why did I feel so bad about myself? What could I do to fix all of this? Did he even really love me? Was I lovable? Against the advice of the church elders who were counseling my husband and I, I read Leslie Vernick's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" and it revealed to me that I wasn't crazy. I was truly experiencing toxic behavior in my marriage. I was being gaslighted _All The Time_ and I had been groomed. When I reached out for help, the people I should have been able to count on failed me miserably. I also put too much stock into what I thought they could do for us. I spent the next three years in darkness and it got much worse for me before it got better. I became suicidal and desperate, surrounded by people who called themselves Christians, who all thought they knew better for me than I did, and was accused of being a terrible Christian or not even a Christian at all.

I gave too much power to people who had no business holding power in my life. I realized I had not been thinking for myself on a deep level for a long time. This is typical of being in a cultish environment.

The resources available for Christian women is bleak. I do have a list of my recommended reads. However, as I branched out, I realized that it would take more than the Bible, more than the church or pastors to get me through.

I realized I was experiencing anxiety/flashbacks and it made me more scared. In the psychology world, C-PTSD is not even a valid diagnosis, yet it is clearly distinguished to be different than PTSD and is commonly found in abuse survivors. C-PTSD differs because it is about on-going exposure to trauma (abuse) whereas PTSD is usually caused by one circumstance or event.

My early support came from online because the process of admitting where my life was at was a private hell and nothing I wanted out in the open. I had shame, guilt, rage, fear, and grief like I have never felt.

A cult is any group of people that develops in their members a strong sense of them vs. us with an insider way of thinking which is elitism. If you go against the group, you are the one who is wrong, never the group itself. Leaders cannot be questioned. Members must fall in line. Growth is dictated by the least motivated person in the group and driven by the control of the leaders.

When I was struggling 8 years ago, there were very few blogs or they were not able to delve deeply enough. I read from women who were extremely bitter and retaliative. I read from a woman who was married to the third narcissist in her life- so obviously, she couldn't apply what she was saying to herself and I couldn't take her seriously. I do want to say that she made some good points and had insights. I do not want to discount that she was trying and real. It can be excruiciatingly messy and terrifying to get out of a relationship with someone who is toxic and/or straight up abusive. But, I needed hope and she couldn't deliver that because she kept falling back into destructive habits herself.

Some of the curriculum felt very clinical, like people were trying to be who they were not. I often felt stirred up, like I had been taken down and left in the dark alleyway of my pain, raw and exposed without a map.

Not all the resources out there are good. Just because someone does some research and slaps a label on it, it does not mean they are qualified. However, after saying that, I do believe that survivors may be the greatest resource other women have because counselors cannot always reach you if they haven't lived something similar. What I personally learned from working with the great counselors I did have is that connection and validation helped me over and over and over again.

If the wheel isn't broke, why try to mess with it? There is a tremendous amount of excellent resources out there. I am going to structure my program differently so it highlights my strengths and pulls from the people who have already done the work in certain areas. (Not reinventing the wheel in a half-assed way that could jeopardize your healing).

Recognize that good resources are linked to people with a story of their own. They are thorough and deliberate and don't have holes in their program. They do not elicit negative or overwhelming feelings every time you engage with their material. That doesn't mean the truth isn't painful sometimes, but they are not inundating you with negatives and leaving you with no solutions.

It is with much prayer, planning, consulting and gaining permission, studying and deliberation that I offer my program. No one will start in the exact same place and no one's story will be identical. But, because abusers use so many of the same tactics, the stories and fall-out does often look similar.

Your first step: Recognize you are an abused person. That does not mean you asked for it or deserved it. Most of the time, we are targeted- be it because we are put together or because we were a mess before they came into our lives. Be gentle and kind with yourself. (This was something I had to repeat hundreds of times a day to myself along the way.) If you catch yourself saying, "I am so stupid," when you make a mistake or hear your abuser's voice in your head with their favorite insult, write that down. Learn to find patterns in the abuse you are experiencing, keep track in a private place. This will later turn into an opportunity to react differently to it.

See this useful tool to help you think about your experience: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/is-the-cycle-of-violence-outdated

There are many survivors who follow and watch people who are self-claimed narcissists and think they are being educated on how are narcissist thinks and who they are. To me, this is dangerous and I will not give them any of my time or attention. I have not found a deficit in understanding without engaging these narcissists' content.

Dig into the messy parts. This is a beautiful process- seeing yourself in new ways. You are not alone. Things can improve greatly at a rapid pace, even while you are with your abuser. Recognize you are being tossed a life jacket- embrace it and wear it proudly. Pray, accept love, listen to what is being presented to you and live it out.

Heal, Girl.